i admit that i ... im just a fool for you <3

soooo

2005-08-30T18:43:28Z

from now on im not ognna b using this livejournal anymore

im gonna move to

www.livejournal.com/users/cupcaketheif

so yeah

add me u guys

or ask to b added

idk

ilike my new lj so yeah

i think itll work out fine

new lj

2005-08-27T21:04:55Z

i got a new lj

i get a new one every year

this ones for junior year

junior!

eeeee!

scary!

well its

www.livejournal.com/users/cupcaketheif

u should go c

im gonna b friends only i think

yeah

so idk

my friend altons trying to make me audition for grease at cathedral

:/

idk if i should

i dont have anything better to do

but i suck extremely at singing

eek

destructive

2005-08-27T08:23:26Z

i cant like

stop crying

idk y

well yea i do

i saw the picture of my mom i posted a couple weeks ago and broke down

im trying to b as normal as possible but its so hard

trying not to cry when i think of things or when i see things

and i still have that damn way of thinking that shes coming back

that this is all a dream

if it was,o god i would love to wake up and see her and hug her and talk to her

its true you really really dont know what you have until you lose it

to me, i had the best mother in the world, and now shes gone and ill never see her again

it makes me feel lonely because its summer. this is when i would spend the most time with her becuase it was always me and her in the mornings till my dad got home

and even tho im doing things it feels fake

like i know what i would b doing if everything had gone right

but i guess it was just her time

but even that was too soon

i hope they do

2005-08-26T06:39:38Z

Your time has already come and I don't know why
The last thing that I had heard
you were doin' just fine
It seems like just yesterday
I was laughing with you
Playing games at Grandma's house
well you taught me well, didn't you?
I hope I'm just like you

Do they have radios in heaven?
I hope they do
'Cause they're playing my song on the radio
And I'm singing it to you

You left before I had a chance to say goodbye
But that's the way life usually is
it just passes you by
But you can't hold on to regrets and you can't look back
So I'll just be thankful for the times that I had with you
I hope I'm just like you

Do they have radios in heaven?
I hope they do
'Cause they're playing my song on the radio
And I'm singing it to you
If they don't have radios in heaven
here's what I'll do
I can bring my guitar when my time is up and I'll play it for you

Tell me can you hear me now
if not, then I can try to sing real loud
What's it like up on the other side of the clouds?
I hope I'm just like you
I hope I turn out to be as good as you

*plain white t's*

that song makes me cry

its weird

i do really well when i dont think about things

and then when i start thinking i get bad

this sucks

a structural change

2005-08-23T01:19:09Z

so yea

friday and saturday

the things for my mom

she didnt even look like herself

ugh

but i do have to go on

it hurts but i do and i knw i do

today i found aletter writen in spanish to me by my mom

i think she wrote it when i was little because the papers all fragile

so im gonna translate it and then type it

idk

o

i got my gwen camera saturday!

omg so exsited!

it was my gift from my mom

she ordered it before she went to alaska

which makes thew camera 100000 times more special to me

well i should go

i gotta clean

and shower

i smell

.

l0versandlyers @ 2005-08-16T23:36:00

2005-08-17T06:41:46Z

today i hung around the house a little

uhm went with my cousin to the eagle rock plaza so he bought me shoes for my birthday

their kool

well i think so

then uhm...o yea

brenda, mr.oh, brendas friends, analyse and nicole took me out to the cheesecake factory for dinner for my birthday

that was kool it made me forget stuff

they made me a box with stuff in it and gave me a rose...it was the best

i dread tomorrow

only because my moms not here to share it with me

but i have to go on

me and my cousin dago decided on taking drivers ed together

and then his friend wants to do it with us too so yeah

i get my moms honda

so ill b driving this year

wo0t in a way

yeah so tomorrow in the morning i go with my daddy to forest lawn to get everything out of the way

then alecks house

then my tias

ehh

good luck to myself

trapped in a box

2005-08-16T07:10:08Z

things have been going ok i guess

it still hurts

i got pictures of me and my mom to make into a collage

that broke me again

but then i like had to get ready to go to the meeting at skool

people told me not to go but i like needed to get away

when i was going up in the elevator with my cousin i kept shaking and we were laughing because it was so hard for me to go up to that floor knowing that everyone knew

so i go up there and i could feel the stares

i guess thats y i was quiet during the meeting

idk

when we were leaving in the elevator my cousin was like "i like ur necklace" and i was like "thanks my mom got it for me in alaska" and i just felt everyone looks at me like "omg did she just say that"

ehh

for my birthday i had been wanting tht hp limited edition gwen stefani camera...i bugged about it so much...i wanted it so bad...and today i found out tht my mom had been looking for it because it was gonna b my birthday present...tht shocked me...i never expected it...but they couldnt find any more...when i came back from the meeting they found one...its weird because like ive learned so much about her as a person and things she wanted to do since shes died and it only makes me miss her more

i told monica that i envy everyone who has a mother

because they dont know how tuff it is

and ya me and my mom got into fights but they were so stupid

we knew we loved each other and i guess if i hadnt gotten to talk to her friday i would be a bigger wreck

idk

it felt good that no one really rushed up to me at skool today...i didnt want it...i got the looks but that was ok...the hugs were good too...just to knw everyones there is good...yeah

sorry people but i have to tell you now...if i like break down in front of u guys...im sorry...im like a time bomb..im fine for a while and then boom...there i go...i have my moments...but i guess im just not good at expressing myself...ya...not good at all

"call me tomorrow"

2005-08-14T21:49:06Z

friday august 12, 2005, 3:41 pm

me: hey

her: hey

me: uhm theres a mandatory meeting monday and so i was...

her: wait wht?

me: theres a meeting

her: i have to pay something?

me: no, a meeting! where are you at?

her: the airport...you know what, call me back tomorrow i dont feel good

me: ok bi

her: bye i love you

me: love you too

::about an hour and a half later she "put her head down and died"::

it hurts to much to explain...shopping for a casket for your own mother at 15 breaks your heart...knowing that every morning, every day is going to be different for the rest of your life

knwing that now, i have to go shopping with someone else, now i have to buy a dress for my cousins wedding with my sister, i wish i had the brains enough to tell her to go to the doctor when i was on the phone with her

but my dad said that everyone told her to, she was just too fucking hardheaded...just like everyone else in our family...she said "i want to get the hell out of canada im not oging to the doctor"

so on the plane ride back to los angeles, she put her head down and just, died

within 5 minutes of being up in the air

they turned the plain around and took her back to canada

so she never got to go back home

my tias said she was so happy when i called her that day..it just kills me to know that thats the last time ill ever hear her voice...the last time i saw her face was two weeks ago...i dont even remember what she sounds like

idk what im gonna do

they brought me back from camp on friday, att hat time i didnt know what was going on, no one would tell me, not naomi, not even her brother when i called to c wht had hapened...i knew something was wrong

got to my sisters house, got out of the car and asked naomi why the hell we came back home..she hugged me and whispered "we all love you shannon" and my sister came outside

my dad came home last night...it hurts so much to c him in so much pain "what am i gonna do without my adela" i didnt knw what to tell him..just that we need to stay strong

him: "well, its me and you against the world kiddo"

me: "yea, but we'll take 'em..."

walking into this house, my dad going into that big bed alone, it tears me apart inside..seeing him break down...she was everything to everyone

shes never ognna c me garduate high school, college,get married, nothing

i feel so alone even tho i know im not

this is just really shocking

i still think shes coming home, that shes ognna walk in thru my door saying "goddamit shannon" with my cell phone bill in her hand or something

but ill never hear that from her again

♥ forever

oooooooooh...a-lei-lei!

2005-08-11T07:19:22Z

im bored singing camp songs to myself

and dreading tomorrow

but o well

i gotsta live with it

its not as bad as i make it seem either i dont think

i just get sick of not being able to c all my friends n stuff

im beginning to get some mental illness where all i can think about is camp songs..bad food...and making sandwiches

haha

plus..there was some problems with some peoples last week

and naomi said iwas stupid for not going the first session

and i agreed

o well

when i come back itll b my birfday and at least ill have something to b happy about

♥

you dont c...

2005-08-09T07:15:17Z

so i came today for a funeral

after the funeral found out my abuelita..shes not really my abuelita but i caleld her that....well she was in the hospital and they idnt think she was gnna make it so we went there too to comfort people...bad day...then i went to...the aadf show...AWESOME...i fell in love with some guy from a band...my god...*melt*...geez...i almost went crazy lol...jay kay...analyse met someone...it was cute...lol...um im here till thursday and idk wht else to say haha

♥

i break in 2 over you

2005-08-03T06:14:02Z

so tomorrow i go back for 6 more days

argg i got so used to being here i didnt wanna leave!

arg!

today i went to GHS with alecks and we met stinky and danyo and val there, i met danyos chick, and stinkys old one and future one lol, but i didnt get to meet tht one guy....

lol

anyways

then me alecks val stinky and danyo went to the mall

ricky met us there..mark too kinda

then we went to hot topic

ish went down...kidding

stinky and ricky left after like 10 minutes

then the rest of us ventured to mac where i bought the most awesome make up ever!

lol

.

uhm

then a.e. then movies

danyo left home

so the rest of us saw sky high

lmfao

everything is better with mark alecks and val

so it was fun

now im here

dreading tomorrow a little

lol

at least i gots friends

ok gonna go now

♥

call me after dark

2005-08-02T02:08:29Z

i got home today from campo

i go back in 2 days

it was kool

it makes me forget about alot of stuff but like at the same time it makes me think alot about things

confusing but good

yeah

so there was this litte 8 year old in the angels unit

omg

SO CUTE

she kept calling me sharon but i didnt have the heart to tell her tht wasnt my name

and one counselor thought i was alyssa which was funny

but awesome at the same time haha

so yea

the little girl was so adorable

idk

it was fun

im probly gonna get sick of it at some point tho

whtever

lol

♥

im home!

this could b....

2005-07-26T03:05:33Z

so tomorrow i leave for camp

im having mixed feelings and idk y ... its like..ive been there before so its weird

today jackii came over and we talked about some peoples we dnt really care for

we didnt talk shit calm down...geez i swear...we were just tlaking about it

then mark and alecks came over and we made spaghetti

we had a "candle light" dinner it was awesome

we laughed ALOT and jackii is now knwn as punani

lmao

then danyo and stinky came over and we were acting stupid like always...yeah

then dinner with the grma

and now here

confused aobut wht to do about him

and trying to pack at the same time

i hope i have fun and like, all this confusedness goes away and i could just figure out wht the hell im going to do

idk

i want a prince charming

because i want someone to hold me

and ~~kiss~~ me

and look at me

and make me ~~weak~~

in the good ways

♥

be a bunnys honey

2005-07-24T21:46:31Z

so i saw a peta dvd yesterday

and i cried

it was fucking horrible

im never ever wearing or buying fur

the chick frm le trigre is right...theres plenty of fake furs to go around y do people demand actual fur

the way their skinned is horrible

its like killing your best friend

y would u want to wear ur best friends skin? its disgusting

plus..their skinned...and then left there...still alive...to die...so that rich assholes can get their fix

ewww

so im trying not to eat meat

trying the best i can

because having those images in my head and then going and buying a burger is nasty

and thats all for today

♥

im not ok...i promise

2005-07-22T01:37:50Z

so ok this has been bugging me

my sister picks me up from the metro stop today and im like "o u look nice wht did u do today" and she goes

"o i went to lunch with claudia yahir monica paola and dago" and im like "thts kool" shes like "yea they took me out for my birthday"

so like right after i heard tht i felt really bad because i wasnt invited, tht probly sounds incredibly selfish but like, it was her birthday lunch so all the cousins go except uh, the sister?

i woulda dropped whtever i was doing

so this makes me feel like shit

but its not like i can really say anything cuz my mom will just tell me to get over it but i cant idk y

it just hurts

:/

.......

2005-07-21T23:33:33Z

so yesterday was how do i put this...FUCKING AWESOME!!!!

alkaline trio concert was the best, this ott guy was standing next to me and he started to talk to me *melt* he looked like a young elvis but he was gorgeous and he had green blue eyes and black hair....not like emo style or anything like tht which i liked...and he was shy..it was so cute..lol...it was alecks first concert it feels special to take her to it lol...we were in the second pit so we were still really close and we were at the very front so people kept hitting us and stuff cuz they wanted to get where we were but...were tough cookies...we beat them down haha...i actually bit a guy...and elbowed him it was crazy status...well he was being an asshole with me so screw tht lol...me and alecks kept blowing kisses to matt skiba who is also flippin hott *melts* and he saw us and pointed, smiled, then waved, i coulda died right there lol...alecks was all happy i loved it...then we went home...no more hott elvis guy lol maybe we'll meet again...riight...so then she slept over and we called val and decided to meet up to go to trade tech with julio so he can sign up for a class and so itll b like old times cuz i miss last summer...we got there this morning and like everyone from the other class was there which was both good and bad...not very comfy i must say...well i saw tina and we hugged and our hearts met lol and then we talked about camp lol it was awesome i thought...then just weirdness nad kinda anger but whtever im trying to block it...then alecks julio val yancy and i went to king taco in pasadena and then hung out in urban for a while...then came home...fun fun fun...

damn this is long

bi

♥

go ahead as u waste ur days with thinking

2005-07-20T19:45:32Z

so monday was....well...interesting i guess u could say...i went to the movies with ervyn so theres some weirdness kinda sorta idk...then i went to dinner with my grma...then i went to tht citadel place with my mom, cousin chata, her baby diego, and my tia lupe...i bought 2 shorts...ehhh...yesterday marky, jackii, daniel and george came over...we took pictures for the mr.oh project me and marky r working on then we just acted stupid...marky and jackii left and me daniel and george all feel asleep for 2 hours..it was kinda funny...today i have to go to the doctor to get somethin filled out for camp and then alkaline trio concert with alecks...wo0t w0ot!...lol...yeah idk y but this morning i was like lying in bed and thinking about the memories i had frm camp and its weird ive never been up there with a friend but ive always made some so i guess im kool with alecks not being able to go..im just scared the other c.i.t's r gonna b all stuck up...but then there would b some good lj talk when i gt home... >.< ... lol jk ... well naomis gonna b there so im not too worried and my cousin monicas gonna b working there at the same time too which will b kool..idk how i feel right now...idk im just like going frm topic to topic i knw but like idk...i got lied to...which ya alot of people lie but like when it comes frm a specific person about something it kinda hurts ya knw?...i just bleh i hate it...i made a new friend saturday kinda sorta...well he was already my friend but ya idk...i went to my cousins wedding shower and my cousin dago and his friend mark was there and we talked alot for some reason and then he said if any boy messes with me he's gonna fuck them up lol...i laughed...idk...he's kool...glad he's my friend...so ive been listening to the all american rejects alot lately for some reason...idk..i like them and im proud haha...alecks says she likes how im proud so ill proclaim it form now..hehe...well this is extremely long so ill go now

♥

blast da sterio bitches

2005-07-18T06:00:51Z

thursday = fun times with amrky alecks and jackii

this week = fun times i think

tomorrow = movies

tuesday = idk yet

wend = alakline trio concerto!

thursday = idk yet

friday = six flags maybe baby

saturday = six flags maybe if not friday

so.....anyone wanna hang before i go up to camp next tuesday?

lol

i come back fo sho on my birthday :/

lol

the big one dash six

♥

id give u diamonds

2005-07-12T20:00:24Z

uhm

my cousins frm mexico r here

bleh

oh

sunday...went shopping with alecks...we "hit" the clearance sections! thts how we do

and we just tlaked alot, about everything

we ate at islands and talked

i like tlaking to her

and for some reason it seems like whenever me and her go to islands, we get everything out in the open, we tlak about everything n stuff, ya

it sucked cuz marky and jackii werent there :/

then we walked outta island and saw daniel and stinky (george)

we called them and acted like stalkers, then they saw us but we couldnt hang out with them cuz they were going to the movies

so then we went home, i was there for like 5 minutes and my mom called me and told me i was going out with my cousins

me, monica, dago, rene, ashley, niki, jorge, romel

all of us

we saw batman and i loved it tehe

monday the cousins again went to six flags

it was kool

i liked X the best i think

it was funny cuz we were all hanging out n stuff ya idk then we all got soaked at night in those sutpid water rides...dago flippin drenched me tht asshole

then the people there made us watch the parade

haha no one watches it, its funny

ya

i cant wait to go back cuz ima go with friends

jackii! we gotta figure out whos going!

lol

today i think i have to go to fucken city walk with my cousins :/

i dont wanna

but i think my moms ognna make me

argg man argg

well this is long

♥

so vile

2005-07-10T19:03:04Z

well jimmy boy and my neices and nephew left today

it was sad

even my dad cried

i guess cuz my nephew and brother left

and he got close to my nephew cuz my nephew loved my dad to death nd always wanted to b around him

and i cried cuz my brother cried and he makes me cry lol

so this sucks

my cousins frm mexico r here and r staying here

i dont get my bed for another week

damn

its already been 2!

so were cleaning like little house women

haha

so i gotta go clean

then hopefully go shopping with alecks mark and jackii

♥

drive back baby

2005-07-08T22:47:06Z

so lately nothing much has been happening

i find myself randomly looking at peoples livejournals and myspace's

wendsday was kool

it made me feel alot better to hang out with mark and alecks

today they were appose to come over but they cant

so i guess ill just find other peoples to hang out with or idk go to my sisters

haha brenda just im'd me

well..she did like a couple minutes ago

and went off on me

for the second time

except this time, i stood up for myself

because she shouldnt b acting like she knows me...again

anyways

i havent slept a single night in over a month

2005-07-06T22:44:13Z

SugarPop307: mark im sorry thts wht u thought can we just forget everything and go back normal or something
FoolioMark: yeh yes
FoolioMark: as a matter of fact

so then everythings kool...happiness....well everythings kool between us but i still gotta talk to val which is weird cuz i dont do so swell when it comes to talking with people bout problems.

but yea...i was appose to go with mark and alecks to aaardvarks then pasadena but i took my neices to the movies and got out too late

>:/

so ima just meet them at pasadena

it should b awesome

hopefully

*roses are red...violets are blue...i l0ve y0u 'cuase you act like you and i mean it*

my neices made that for me

aww

made me all sappy lol

well this summers been kinda bleh

ive made alot of paintings

made one for allen. i gotta give that to him later today. at 7:01 lol

inside joke

kinda

anyways

im making a scrapbook too cuz im retarded and stupid and a nimrod

whoa

ya but i found a bunch of pics from the plays and mr marchand wants me to make like a book for it so i can show people and b all professional n wht not

my internship this year should b fucking awesome

i really really really hope i get it that would b the best

i just have to get ahold of analyse and her aunt when they come back

omg i would b so happy haha

but thats in september

ya...ive also been like making clothes n stuff

yeah i need to like do something

before i like kill something

tehe jk jk

ok well i should, like, go

yupppppers

♥

l0versandlyers @ 2005-07-05T21:51:00

2005-07-06T04:53:58Z

im fucking alone

and i dont like it

i dont like it one bit

y the fuck did the last day of school have to be so goddamn suckie

why are people thinking that i said shit when i didnt?

wtf

and y cant people ask me themselves

if people dont have the courtesy to think i have heart

well then

idk

but i do

and it hurts

i know its not easy

2005-07-04T23:32:14Z

so

saturday my brother came

i had to clean alot

i cried alot too

i didnt want to

he kinda made me

he made me talk

and then he did

i threw a hairbrush too

but i couldnt stop crying

i needed to, like talk to someone

so i grabbed the cell

and opened it

but theres was no one to call

i felt so empty once i opened up my cell phone

i couldnt call val, i dont think she really wants to talk to me

cant call alecks, i dont think she really lieks me right now

and same with mark

i couldnt call vero cuz i think shes still mad

i couldnt call anyone and i felt so empty

and thats when i knew that i did lose everyone

its the most horrible feeling in the world and i hate that

those are the people i would call for comfort (?)

and those r the people i couldnt

i felt like shit

i still do

hhhhhmmmmmm

:/

no good can come of this can it

who would win...blues clues or scooby doo?

2005-07-02T21:16:18Z

so yesterday sucked

well the beginning of it

i got my report card

:/

i thought my mom was ognna shoot me in the head or something

then later mickey george and beto came over and we ordered pizza...we "skated" around my street and then ate

we all had this really good talk about like how people r suddenly hanging out with ex's..ya..daniel brought it up which i thought was kool cuz he feels the exact same way as me

then i told mickey about some jealousy crapola

then gabe came and we all tried to do a seance

it took us like an hour t finally try it then we said it wasnt working

beto kept getting scared it was really funny

then blah blah blah whtevers

me and gabe tlaked about how hes not gonna go to the skool anymore and how its weird

he thinks everyones ognna forget about him

i said he was crazy

everyone left around 1 30

this morning i woke up and had to clean because...

r u ready for this?

like really reall?

ok

my brothers coming today!

w0ot wo0t!

horrah!!!

>.<

jimmy boy is gonna be in the hiz-ouse!

wo0t w0ot

o my

thats at least one good thing for this summer right?

now if only i can find a way to get my friends back...

~~&hearts~~ <---thats mine

[♥] <---- thats tina-tina-fo-fenas heart in *camp mariastella

tehehe